Thursday, April 21, 2011

Why do we always have to say "goodbye?"

Why can't we just always say "hello?"

So I'm home from my vacation, and I'm pretty much heartbroken. I feel totally distraught. On the way home, in the back of my parents' car, I just started out the window and watched my soul get torn out of my chest and plastered on the bare trees on I180. I had time to think about myself this whole trip. I wanted to find who I was. For the past 8 months, I couldn't find myself. I was buried in a hole somewhere and I didn't know where. Mansfield, however, made me figure it out. I know who I am.

First of all, I'm not a Jersey girl, by any means. I hate the beach. I hate being in crowded places. I get carsick in traffic. I'm not an aggressive driver. Most of all, I'm not an uber liberal, and my off-colored views of the world just don't seem to match those around me.

Who am I? I'm Gen Taylor. I'm pretty street smart. I figure things out easily, and I understand people well within the first 20 minutes of meeting them. I'm a complete asshole, and love to poke fun at you while you're down. However, I will do just about all I can to make sure my friends are alive, happy, and well. I can listen well. I give good advice. I know how to cheer people up most of the time. I have a solution to everything. I'm Gen Taylor, and I love who I am.

As I said my goodbyes, I finally realized what I meant to these people. I'm Dan's best friend. I'm Renee's fake mom. I'm Scott's other brain. I'm Amanda's nightmare friend that wants her son to be gay. I'm the love of someone's life (he knows who he is, and I'm not going to embarrass him on my blog), the girl he can't stop thinking and talking about, and the girl who got away. I'm Liz's punching bag (and I'm not mad about it. I actually kinda enjoy it). I'm Carol's co-host. I the reason why Becca met the love her life (maybe I'm giving myself too much credit). I'm the teacher's pet, and I'm that cool chick friend most guys love having around. I'm a radio star. I've got heart, and soul, and dedication.

Yet, Jersey takes all these things away from me. In Jersey, I'm not a mother to anyone. I don't share a brain with anyone. No one has kids. No one uses me as a personal punching bag. Most of the things that I am don't apply here.

I watched my soul die today on Rt. 15. I watched it die on I180. By the time we hit I80, I knew my soul was gone. I knew the person I loved has died; me.

There's a lot of people I didn't say goodbye to today. That's because I didn't want to watch myself die again. I'm sorry I took the pussy way out, guys. It's best if my exit was quiet.

I'm back to my Jersey life now. I'm making it manageable. I have some things I still have to live for. I have my awesome brother, my cousins, Jackie, and Brian, and Danella, and Lauren, and Christina, and Matt, the few friends I have that I enjoy. I have an awesome boyfriend at the moment that I hope to keep around for awhile. It's what I got, and I love it.

Why do I always have to say "goodbye?" I want to only say "hello", and keep everyone around forever. I want my soul back, but I'll never get it. It lives in the streets of Mansfield, PA, wandering and looking for me to come back. I'll be whole again soon. Maybe I'll go back to that shitty little town where the sun never shines and pick my pieces back up. Maybe I'll find myself in something new out here.

This is my goodbye to the life I loved and can't have again. I miss you all already, and hope to see you all before this life ends and a new one starts for me.

Sorry to be so depressing, but at the moment, it's what I've got.

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